Review 1: Delicato Merlot 2004 3/30

My first review, and this isn't going to be pretty. I love wine; it is, by far, the classiest way of drinking. A wine drunk is also a good drunk, you know, like a tooty-fruity buzz of the body. You get the giggles, the hiccups, but it's all good because drinking wine is FUN, and it can be tasty too. That's why I decided to review some wines first, but the first of the first is kind of a letdown. I had researched under $10 bottles and under $5 bottles, and bought one of each that sounded delicious. The Delicato Merlot, a California brand from 2004, was $10.99 online but I found it for $4.99 at a local liquor store. It had other online reviews singing it's praises, but I feel differently.


BOTTLE: This bottle had pretty blue packaging, but momma says never judge a book by it's cover...The cheapness started at the rubber cork that took a damn-good cranking from the corkscrew before the metal spiral was even halfway down. After more work I finally popped the top, and poured myself a glass. The pour was decently smooth, but the glass of the bottle is tinted so you can't see the color of the wine itself. Which brings me to...

COLOR: The color of this particular wine really disturbed me. It wasn't red or even maroon. I was at a loss for words when it was orange and purple, coalescing into a super unappetizing color. There was residue at the bottom of the glass, and on the insides of the bottle. Disgusting, yet...college. So I sigh, and I drink.

TASTE: I honestly didn't go into this believing a wine that cheap would tantalize my palate, and I was right. The bottle describes itself as possessing "supple flavors of black cherry and plum." Supple is hardly the word I would use, try "Fucking NARSTY". How am I supposed to enjoy a glass of wine when every sip is like alcoholic prune juice? Don't even get me started on my toilet trials and tribulations the next morning...hahaha just kiddin'. The black cherry flavor translates more into "bitter and annoying", like you're actually eating black cherries that haven't ripened. Maybe my Czechoslovakian grandparents would enjoy this, but I find it repugnant.

SMELL: The Delicato Merlot doesn't smell like shit and piss, which is ONE good quality that hardly over arches the other negatives, but hey, at least there's one fleck of gold in the grime. I could definitely pick out berries, rose, and chocolate. The spices were harder to discern and halfway through a bottle of this you won't care anyways!

DRUNK: Ah, the drunk. This is why we drink liquor anyways, right? Not because we have to, WE NEED TO MO'FUCKAS!!!!!! Haha alright alright, anyways, if you can't tell, I'm having a typical wine drunk. It's nothin special, intense, or goofy...just typical. I turned on a song and tried dancing to it, and couldn't proving that A) I'm white, and B) I'm drunk. So the bottle did it's job. Not well, but it did. 2004 Delicato Merlot is like that kid in your study group that scrapes by with a bare minimum of effort. If he did any less, he'd have done nothing. Same with this wine. If it had done anything less, I'd have been drinking fucking prune juice. True shit, peoples.


DANGER'S FINAL WORDS: FUCK THIS WINE, I'D RATHER LICK MY DOG'S GOOCH. 1/5

danger's final edit 3/31 8AM: FUCK THIS HEADACHE