Review 3: Sauza Gold Tequilla

Looks like urine because it probably is

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION: You wake up one morning after a night of hard drinking, and your brain feels like it received amateur acupuncture. You get up, but and there's a stranger in bed with you. You kick them out, and proceed to piece together that shit show that was your Friday night. Nothing makes sense. The underwear you wore last night is long gone, you have no clue where your cellphone or wallet are, and in your pocket you find a note you've written yourself instructing you to find your cellphone and wallet. You walk back in your room and you see it: there's an empty bottle of tequila on the bedside table. Of. fucking. course. Now at least you've answered the "Why" in your who-what-when-where-why evaluation of the events that have lead up to this shameful, shameful morning.

If this situation is more realistic than hypothetical then I have news for you, reader! You're an alcoholic... I mean, you fucking LOVE tequila. Hardly anyone doesn't, it's a staple in drinking. The Margarita is the most popular goddamn drink in all the world, everyone goes bat shit crazy for em, but the number one problem with tequila is it's price. Mexico has a law that states that all tequila must have a little blue agave added to it, and agave grows about as fast as grandpa's boner which explains why tequila runs a train on your wallet every time you feel like gettin South of the border saucy. Like all liquor, there is a cheap market for tequila and a brand growing in popularity is Sauza. Sauza Tequila doesn't go through the traditional distillation process that most brands go through though, giving me expectations that it's gonna be the unwanted bastard shithead son of tequila. I picked up a 750 at my local liquor store for around $13, which made my money smile and made for a prettay, prettay crazy night.

Bottle: It's always chiller to get a glass bottle instead of plastic, especially when buying cheap liquor. Why does it make a difference? Some people think a glass bottle has some sort of effect over the taste...those people think too highly of themselves. It's like, "Alcohol is going to taste like shit no matter which way you dress it up, shithead". Other people like to keep glass as trophy bottles, which is all well and good if they are expensive brands. Have you ever seen someone with a shelf of Burnett's empties? Besides your mother? I keed, I keed! Finally there's people like me. Every good drunk knows that buying cheap alcohol in glass bottles is superior because once you get shit-tarded you get to smash them WHERE EVER YOU WANT! Yes folks, the secret's out, you can actually do that.

Besides that long-winded rant, Sauza's a cheap Mexican tequila. What do you expect, a Mona Lisa carved in the side?

Smell: There's a strong smell of... alcohol, yup, it smells like alcohol. A little salty too, like a gooch. YUM, right?

Taste: Considering the nature of $15< liquor and tequila in general Sauza ain't half bad! It's certainly not premium, but don't be a snob... we is just gettin drunk now yall. I've had other cheap brands of tequila before and Sauza is different. It's all in the taste. Usually cheap tequila is downright nasty. Sauza posses a smoothness the compensates for how damn strong it tastes. The aftertastes is super bitter, like biting a lime. I don't really like that. The flavor of the tequila is super oaky but my biggest complaint is that you can't taste too much agave in the flavor. Drinking Sauza will make you hurl, but isn't that why we drink? To throw up? Yes.

Drunk: It took me a while to get drunk, but after 5 strong margs and 3 salt-n-lime shooters I was breaking chairs and angry at God. I was making up Mexican swear words and salsa dancing alone. Fat chicks should love this tequila, for no other reason besides it makes them lose 45 pounds and look like Cameron Diaz. After a whirlwind of more shots I reached the point of no return and blacked, so there's not too much more to say besides I woke up smelling like stripper perfume... minus my keys and my dignity.

Danger's Final Word: 2/5 Still searching for that dime, a good tequila that's also cheap...

Danger's Final Edit: Ughhhhh woke up dead, feels like I crushed a bottle of nail polish remover mixed with Listerine... Sauza should be paying ME to drink this shit.