Snobbishness: Now Bottled For Your Convenience!
BOTTLE: I actually have the original Bunko bottle on my alcoholic trophy shelf. This is classy, folks. I've drank some expensive-ass wine in my time, and this bottle fits in next to some $50 and $60 bottles. So here's the tried and true game plan, male readers: Wine 'em, dine 'em, take 'em home and try 'em! Seriously, buy this bottle, take a girl on a date (Chipotle?), whip out this bottle, tell her it cost you $60 (baby, that's why we went to Chipotle!). Woman readers: let it happen, if a guy is taking romance hints from me he's clearly an idiot. If you're on a date with a self-respecting, empowered WO-MAN... you're a gentleman. And not gettin ass on the first date. Sluts are easier. Word? LADIES, can I get a Word? Word. It's ok though, they (sloos) satisfy a Darwinian function. *Fart Noise*
COLOR: Um, gold...ish? You're a baller if you roll with this, get with the fuckin times. As I sip this I find myself wondering why I drink so much alcohol that literally looks like piss from someone who's very, very dehydrated, but then I remember my purpose: to get drunk! After a few more I tend to fall into a state of forgetfulness, so cest la vie, bitches.
TASTE: WELP, here's the maker's notes on tasting:
Wow, thhhhhhhppppppp. LAME. The way they phrase it makes you believe you gotta drink this $7 bottle with your fucking pinky extended. Flintyminerality? Sounds like the taste you get after putting a handful of rocks in your mouth and gargling. The maker's notes simply do not do this wine justice. I could write a paragraph or two or an article to explain the taste. Whatever! But no. I'm drunk. I'll just say this is...DELICIOUS. CRISP. FRUITY. NO HOMO.
SMELL: I imagine that Liberacci's asshole after a shower smells similar to this wine. Supa dupa fruity tooty, like a, um...like fruit. Like a bowl of fruit. A big fruit bowl. Yeah.
DRUNK: Yes!
Now I understand Drunko-Bunko. Drink wine, make noises with a bell, win a glitter dildo, repeat. Funnest. Shit. Ever! Most Fun Shit Ever? Ok at this point we can fuck conventional grammar n say "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO back to the milfs!"
DANGER'S FINAL WORD: 4/5 Beringer is a cheap snag, tasty as FiiiiZzZzZuck, and a fun drunk. I can't give a white wine 5 stars out of principle, but I would if I could. It's just... It's an embarrassing issue. You see...I...I have an irreconcilable difference... I have a penis, and therefore appreciate a different variety of alcohol. Liquor.
DANGER'S FINAL EDIT: I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Bunko is whack as fuck. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol.
Bunko lead me to this score. For those of you that don't know what bunko is, it's basically craps, but instead of being played on the street by hustlas for cash it's played in cozy living rooms by suburban mothers for shitty prizes like candles and potpourri and dildos. In my household, (many for that matter) Bunko is referred to lovingly as "Drunko". And that's what these women are, real life Drunkos. Whenever someone wins they get to ring a huge bell, and trust me, 40 something year old winos should not have access to such a goddamn annoying instrument. Apart from that, nothing exciting happens besides occasionally watching my friends' mothers rail massive amounts of xanax and zoloft in the bathroom. Ah, suburbia. In all honesty, there is a better game these women can play. It's called KY wrestling. It works the glutes.
Anyways, houses switch off hosting. While it was my mother's turn to host this sorority party for grown women I figured I'd walk around, scope some MILFS, and try and find a new brand of wine for my blog. I know where my mom and her friends stash their good wine, so I made a beeline for the kitchen, home of hors d'oeuvres and the wine bottle forest, only to find that a quarter of the bottles were a brand I'd never heard of...Beringer. There was Chardonnay and Pinot Grigio, but as a rule Chardonnay is exclusively for bitches and eunuchs. A fat ball sack instantly disqualifies you from even touching the filth. I swooped a bottle of the Pinot, and found a new best friend. After that night I started buying Beringer on the reg. What a perfect candidate for this blog, what a perfect wine for me: A $6.99 bottle, and a hell-raising drunk!
Anyways, houses switch off hosting. While it was my mother's turn to host this sorority party for grown women I figured I'd walk around, scope some MILFS, and try and find a new brand of wine for my blog. I know where my mom and her friends stash their good wine, so I made a beeline for the kitchen, home of hors d'oeuvres and the wine bottle forest, only to find that a quarter of the bottles were a brand I'd never heard of...Beringer. There was Chardonnay and Pinot Grigio, but as a rule Chardonnay is exclusively for bitches and eunuchs. A fat ball sack instantly disqualifies you from even touching the filth. I swooped a bottle of the Pinot, and found a new best friend. After that night I started buying Beringer on the reg. What a perfect candidate for this blog, what a perfect wine for me: A $6.99 bottle, and a hell-raising drunk!
BOTTLE: I actually have the original Bunko bottle on my alcoholic trophy shelf. This is classy, folks. I've drank some expensive-ass wine in my time, and this bottle fits in next to some $50 and $60 bottles. So here's the tried and true game plan, male readers: Wine 'em, dine 'em, take 'em home and try 'em! Seriously, buy this bottle, take a girl on a date (Chipotle?), whip out this bottle, tell her it cost you $60 (baby, that's why we went to Chipotle!). Woman readers: let it happen, if a guy is taking romance hints from me he's clearly an idiot. If you're on a date with a self-respecting, empowered WO-MAN... you're a gentleman. And not gettin ass on the first date. Sluts are easier. Word? LADIES, can I get a Word? Word. It's ok though, they (sloos) satisfy a Darwinian function. *Fart Noise*
COLOR: Um, gold...ish? You're a baller if you roll with this, get with the fuckin times. As I sip this I find myself wondering why I drink so much alcohol that literally looks like piss from someone who's very, very dehydrated, but then I remember my purpose: to get drunk! After a few more I tend to fall into a state of forgetfulness, so cest la vie, bitches.
TASTE: WELP, here's the maker's notes on tasting:
"A refreshing bite of juicy white peach and citrus, finishing with a flintyminerality. It pairs well with the hot days and warm nights of summer - as a pre-dinner sipper or with fresh salads and grilled chicken."
Wow, thhhhhhhppppppp. LAME. The way they phrase it makes you believe you gotta drink this $7 bottle with your fucking pinky extended. Flintyminerality? Sounds like the taste you get after putting a handful of rocks in your mouth and gargling. The maker's notes simply do not do this wine justice. I could write a paragraph or two or an article to explain the taste. Whatever! But no. I'm drunk. I'll just say this is...DELICIOUS. CRISP. FRUITY. NO HOMO.
SMELL: I imagine that Liberacci's asshole after a shower smells similar to this wine. Supa dupa fruity tooty, like a, um...like fruit. Like a bowl of fruit. A big fruit bowl. Yeah.
DRUNK: Yes!
Now I understand Drunko-Bunko. Drink wine, make noises with a bell, win a glitter dildo, repeat. Funnest. Shit. Ever! Most Fun Shit Ever? Ok at this point we can fuck conventional grammar n say "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO back to the milfs!"
DANGER'S FINAL WORD: 4/5 Beringer is a cheap snag, tasty as FiiiiZzZzZuck, and a fun drunk. I can't give a white wine 5 stars out of principle, but I would if I could. It's just... It's an embarrassing issue. You see...I...I have an irreconcilable difference... I have a penis, and therefore appreciate a different variety of alcohol. Liquor.
DANGER'S FINAL EDIT: I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Bunko is whack as fuck. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol.
