Review 4: Beringer Pinot Grigio 2009

Snobbishness: Now Bottled For Your Convenience!

Bunko lead me to this score. For those of you that don't know what bunko is, it's basically craps, but instead of being played on the street by hustlas for cash it's played in cozy living rooms by suburban mothers for shitty prizes like candles and potpourri and dildos. In my household, (many for that matter) Bunko is referred to lovingly as "Drunko". And that's what these women are, real life Drunkos. Whenever someone wins they get to ring a huge bell, and trust me, 40 something year old winos should not have access to such a goddamn annoying instrument. Apart from that, nothing exciting happens besides occasionally watching my friends' mothers rail massive amounts of xanax and zoloft in the bathroom. Ah, suburbia. In all honesty, there is a better game these women can play. It's called KY wrestling. It works the glutes.

Anyways, houses switch off hosting. While it was my mother's turn to host this sorority party for grown women I figured I'd walk around, scope some MILFS, and try and find a new brand of wine for my blog. I know where my mom and her friends stash their good wine, so I made a beeline for the kitchen, home of hors d'oeuvres and the wine bottle forest, only to find that a quarter of the bottles were a brand I'd never heard of...Beringer. There was Chardonnay and Pinot Grigio, but as a rule Chardonnay is exclusively for bitches and eunuchs. A fat ball sack instantly disqualifies you from even touching the filth. I swooped a bottle of the Pinot, and found a new best friend. After that night I started buying Beringer on the reg. What a perfect candidate for this blog, what a perfect wine for me: A $6.99 bottle, and a hell-raising drunk!

BOTTLE: I actually have the original Bunko bottle on my alcoholic trophy shelf. This is classy, folks. I've drank some expensive-ass wine in my time, and this bottle fits in next to some $50 and $60 bottles. So here's the tried and true game plan, male readers: Wine 'em, dine 'em, take 'em home and try 'em! Seriously, buy this bottle, take a girl on a date (Chipotle?), whip out this bottle, tell her it cost you $60 (baby, that's why we went to Chipotle!). Woman readers: let it happen, if a guy is taking romance hints from me he's clearly an idiot. If you're on a date with a self-respecting, empowered WO-MAN... you're a gentleman. And not gettin ass on the first date. Sluts are easier. Word? LADIES, can I get a Word? Word. It's ok though, they (sloos) satisfy a Darwinian function. *Fart Noise*

COLOR: Um, gold...ish? You're a baller if you roll with this, get with the fuckin times. As I sip this I find myself wondering why I drink so much alcohol that literally looks like piss from someone who's very, very dehydrated, but then I remember my purpose: to get drunk! After a few more I tend to fall into a state of forgetfulness, so cest la vie, bitches.

TASTE: WELP, here's the maker's notes on tasting:

"A refreshing bite of juicy white peach and citrus, finishing with a flintyminerality. It pairs well with the hot days and warm nights of summer - as a pre-dinner sipper or with fresh salads and grilled chicken."

Wow, thhhhhhhppppppp. LAME. The way they phrase it makes you believe you gotta drink this $7 bottle with your fucking pinky extended. Flintyminerality? Sounds like the taste you get after putting a handful of rocks in your mouth and gargling. The maker's notes simply do not do this wine justice. I could write a paragraph or two or an article to explain the taste. Whatever! But no. I'm drunk. I'll just say this is...DELICIOUS. CRISP. FRUITY. NO HOMO.

SMELL: I imagine that Liberacci's asshole after a shower smells similar to this wine. Supa dupa fruity tooty, like a, um...like fruit. Like a bowl of fruit. A big fruit bowl. Yeah.

DRUNK: Yes!


Now I understand Drunko-Bunko. Drink wine, make noises with a bell, win a glitter dildo, repeat. Funnest. Shit. Ever! Most Fun Shit Ever? Ok at this point we can fuck conventional grammar n say "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO back to the milfs!"

DANGER'S FINAL WORD: 4/5 Beringer is a cheap snag, tasty as FiiiiZzZzZuck, and a fun drunk. I can't give a white wine 5 stars out of principle, but I would if I could. It's just... It's an embarrassing issue. You see...I...I have an irreconcilable difference... I have a penis, and therefore appreciate a different variety of alcohol. Liquor.

DANGER'S FINAL EDIT: I don't know what the hell I was thinking. Bunko is whack as fuck. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol.

Review 3: Sauza Gold Tequilla

Looks like urine because it probably is

HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION: You wake up one morning after a night of hard drinking, and your brain feels like it received amateur acupuncture. You get up, but and there's a stranger in bed with you. You kick them out, and proceed to piece together that shit show that was your Friday night. Nothing makes sense. The underwear you wore last night is long gone, you have no clue where your cellphone or wallet are, and in your pocket you find a note you've written yourself instructing you to find your cellphone and wallet. You walk back in your room and you see it: there's an empty bottle of tequila on the bedside table. Of. fucking. course. Now at least you've answered the "Why" in your who-what-when-where-why evaluation of the events that have lead up to this shameful, shameful morning.

If this situation is more realistic than hypothetical then I have news for you, reader! You're an alcoholic... I mean, you fucking LOVE tequila. Hardly anyone doesn't, it's a staple in drinking. The Margarita is the most popular goddamn drink in all the world, everyone goes bat shit crazy for em, but the number one problem with tequila is it's price. Mexico has a law that states that all tequila must have a little blue agave added to it, and agave grows about as fast as grandpa's boner which explains why tequila runs a train on your wallet every time you feel like gettin South of the border saucy. Like all liquor, there is a cheap market for tequila and a brand growing in popularity is Sauza. Sauza Tequila doesn't go through the traditional distillation process that most brands go through though, giving me expectations that it's gonna be the unwanted bastard shithead son of tequila. I picked up a 750 at my local liquor store for around $13, which made my money smile and made for a prettay, prettay crazy night.

Bottle: It's always chiller to get a glass bottle instead of plastic, especially when buying cheap liquor. Why does it make a difference? Some people think a glass bottle has some sort of effect over the taste...those people think too highly of themselves. It's like, "Alcohol is going to taste like shit no matter which way you dress it up, shithead". Other people like to keep glass as trophy bottles, which is all well and good if they are expensive brands. Have you ever seen someone with a shelf of Burnett's empties? Besides your mother? I keed, I keed! Finally there's people like me. Every good drunk knows that buying cheap alcohol in glass bottles is superior because once you get shit-tarded you get to smash them WHERE EVER YOU WANT! Yes folks, the secret's out, you can actually do that.

Besides that long-winded rant, Sauza's a cheap Mexican tequila. What do you expect, a Mona Lisa carved in the side?

Smell: There's a strong smell of... alcohol, yup, it smells like alcohol. A little salty too, like a gooch. YUM, right?

Taste: Considering the nature of $15< liquor and tequila in general Sauza ain't half bad! It's certainly not premium, but don't be a snob... we is just gettin drunk now yall. I've had other cheap brands of tequila before and Sauza is different. It's all in the taste. Usually cheap tequila is downright nasty. Sauza posses a smoothness the compensates for how damn strong it tastes. The aftertastes is super bitter, like biting a lime. I don't really like that. The flavor of the tequila is super oaky but my biggest complaint is that you can't taste too much agave in the flavor. Drinking Sauza will make you hurl, but isn't that why we drink? To throw up? Yes.

Drunk: It took me a while to get drunk, but after 5 strong margs and 3 salt-n-lime shooters I was breaking chairs and angry at God. I was making up Mexican swear words and salsa dancing alone. Fat chicks should love this tequila, for no other reason besides it makes them lose 45 pounds and look like Cameron Diaz. After a whirlwind of more shots I reached the point of no return and blacked, so there's not too much more to say besides I woke up smelling like stripper perfume... minus my keys and my dignity.

Danger's Final Word: 2/5 Still searching for that dime, a good tequila that's also cheap...

Danger's Final Edit: Ughhhhh woke up dead, feels like I crushed a bottle of nail polish remover mixed with Listerine... Sauza should be paying ME to drink this shit.

Drinking Responsibly

RIP WILSON WATERS FORRESTER 6/17/91 - 4/2/2011

I recently took a 2 week break from writing this blog, the reason being that one of my best friends died from alcohol overdose on 4/2. Let's face it, I'm not really one to drink responsibly. I drink often, I drink hard, and I'm pretty unapologetic about it. However, I always make sure my friends are doing alright. I've learned from past deaths that although it's not your responsibility to monitor their drinking, if your friend needs your help you give it freely. In the wake of all this pain I hope everyone can learn a lesson that my old principal repeated all the time: take care of one another.

If a loved one drinks too much and exhibits these signs please don't try to take care of them yourself, call 911!

• Passed out or stupors – unconscious or semi-conscious, cannot be awakened
• Blue lips and fingertips
• Rapid pulse
• Vomiting while asleep and not waking up even when vomiting
• Cold clammy hands/ feet.

ALSO: If they are asleep, make sure they are on their side, with their face facing the same way as their body is, not on the stomach or back, for either way they could drown in their vomit. If they vomit, they can aspirate it, and die.

I really had to get that off my chest to justify posting in this blog again, but now that it's said TGIF! Have an awesome Friday and party WAAAAAY too hard, but, you know, um, not 'that hard'. :P

Review 2: Canadian Hunter Whiskey

We've all heard the old saying: diamonds are a girl's best friend. That being said, whiskey is a man's best friend. Whiskey embodies everything about being a man; just tasting it reminds me of camping, rock shows, and football games. Real men drink whiskey. Any male college student that prefers a bottle of Smirnoff over Jack or Jim is a jackass, and he's lying. The real reason he bought that blueberry woman water is because he's just trying to get girls slizzard so he can slip em the ol' one eyed worm. Regardless, at the end of the night we all know who the real hero is... it's that badass who refused to spike his hair, that badass who carried the shit-tarded blueberry boy home, that badass who drank whiskey. Can I get a motherfuckin' 'Hallelujah, preach, brotha!!!!'? Well, badasses, allow me to introduce to you the liquor store's best kept secret, Canadian Hunter Whiskey. There IS a heaven, and it comes in a 750 ml bottle for $10.75.

Bottle: How often do you find a bottle of liquor that's worth putting on the trophy shelf between to your signed Sara Jean Underwood bra and your bong? Not often. Usually you gotta shell out major skrilla for that kind of alcohol. Well, I wasted your time. Forgive me. Canadian Hunter isn't that type of booze. BUT.....but it's still pretty cool. A picture of Chuck Norris with his two wolfs, hunting Canadians? Fuck ya. Maybe I'm taking the name out of context, maybe he's a hunter from Canada? We'll never know.

Taste: I prepared for shit. I knew I was going to be drinking shit. Someone must have switched my bottle of shit out for pure fucking Jesus piss because this whiskey is AMAZING. Who would have known? Drinking Canadian Hunter is like motor-boating Pam Anderson: you never want it to end! First, there is no bite. None at all. Also, there is such a subtle complexity to this drink, if you were blindfolded you would think it's Crown Royal. I AM NOT SHITTING YOU. Crown m-f'n Royal. It is that good, folks. This is a hidden gem, and the best part? The maple syrup aftertaste. I did some research and found out that Seagrams makes this brand, which makes sense. Only an established liquor company could produce something on this level.

Drunk: Rock Star status. The taste of CH may be mellow, but the drunk is wild! It's like taking shots of Charlie Sheen blood. I mixed a couple of fingers with coke and ice, and after two or three drinks I was drunk dialing my grandma and sexting Cha-Cha. No wonder the man on the label is so badass; once I got a slippery the ONLY thing I wanted to do was steal my friend's 2 sheep dogs and fuckin' go hunting! Hunting for Canadians... I woke up the next morning after crashing pretty hard, and guess what? No hangover. None, nada, zilch, zip. I usually get wicked hangovers, blame Canada? Yes, if your blaming them for making a kick ass drink!

Danger's Final Word: Is this love? 5/5

Danger's Final Edit: Peace the fiiiiZzZuuuuccckkk OUT zzzzzzz -.-

Review 1: Delicato Merlot 2004 3/30

My first review, and this isn't going to be pretty. I love wine; it is, by far, the classiest way of drinking. A wine drunk is also a good drunk, you know, like a tooty-fruity buzz of the body. You get the giggles, the hiccups, but it's all good because drinking wine is FUN, and it can be tasty too. That's why I decided to review some wines first, but the first of the first is kind of a letdown. I had researched under $10 bottles and under $5 bottles, and bought one of each that sounded delicious. The Delicato Merlot, a California brand from 2004, was $10.99 online but I found it for $4.99 at a local liquor store. It had other online reviews singing it's praises, but I feel differently.


BOTTLE: This bottle had pretty blue packaging, but momma says never judge a book by it's cover...The cheapness started at the rubber cork that took a damn-good cranking from the corkscrew before the metal spiral was even halfway down. After more work I finally popped the top, and poured myself a glass. The pour was decently smooth, but the glass of the bottle is tinted so you can't see the color of the wine itself. Which brings me to...

COLOR: The color of this particular wine really disturbed me. It wasn't red or even maroon. I was at a loss for words when it was orange and purple, coalescing into a super unappetizing color. There was residue at the bottom of the glass, and on the insides of the bottle. Disgusting, yet...college. So I sigh, and I drink.

TASTE: I honestly didn't go into this believing a wine that cheap would tantalize my palate, and I was right. The bottle describes itself as possessing "supple flavors of black cherry and plum." Supple is hardly the word I would use, try "Fucking NARSTY". How am I supposed to enjoy a glass of wine when every sip is like alcoholic prune juice? Don't even get me started on my toilet trials and tribulations the next morning...hahaha just kiddin'. The black cherry flavor translates more into "bitter and annoying", like you're actually eating black cherries that haven't ripened. Maybe my Czechoslovakian grandparents would enjoy this, but I find it repugnant.

SMELL: The Delicato Merlot doesn't smell like shit and piss, which is ONE good quality that hardly over arches the other negatives, but hey, at least there's one fleck of gold in the grime. I could definitely pick out berries, rose, and chocolate. The spices were harder to discern and halfway through a bottle of this you won't care anyways!

DRUNK: Ah, the drunk. This is why we drink liquor anyways, right? Not because we have to, WE NEED TO MO'FUCKAS!!!!!! Haha alright alright, anyways, if you can't tell, I'm having a typical wine drunk. It's nothin special, intense, or goofy...just typical. I turned on a song and tried dancing to it, and couldn't proving that A) I'm white, and B) I'm drunk. So the bottle did it's job. Not well, but it did. 2004 Delicato Merlot is like that kid in your study group that scrapes by with a bare minimum of effort. If he did any less, he'd have done nothing. Same with this wine. If it had done anything less, I'd have been drinking fucking prune juice. True shit, peoples.


DANGER'S FINAL WORDS: FUCK THIS WINE, I'D RATHER LICK MY DOG'S GOOCH. 1/5

danger's final edit 3/31 8AM: FUCK THIS HEADACHE

The Mission

Ah, college! A time to discover yourself, make new friends, unearth new passions... and get shit-tanked wasted when you have nothing else to do. As a college student I find myself drinking on occasion, and when I do I see my peers drinking filth. Boxed wine, 30 racks of filthy piss water, and handles of rubbing alcohol passed off as vodka dominate the college scene? Filthy indeed, but you're on a college budget; and who the fuck cares, you're getting faded, right? WRONG. There's cheap beer, wine, and liquor everywhere that doesn't compromise taste for value as much as major brands like Burnett's Vodka, Natty Light, Keystone, and Franzia. My reviews are well researched, my recommendations are for the refined! Read this blog, have your friends see your choice of booze for the night, and leave them sayin, "You fancy, huh?" :)